As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by plague!…If they can send a man to the moon, why can’t they make a delicious zero chocolate ANYTHING? And yes, this is the critical topic I’ve spent these last two years of Covid consternation meditating on, instead of rambling incessantly to you, my blog buddy. So for reasons I really don’t understand, I’ve left you unmolested for two years. You’re welcome! But, like the millions of cicadas that wake up after 17 years and scratch their way out of the dirt into the sunlight, my incessant buzzing is about to begin again.
I hope your last two years haven’t been too painful. Like so many people, I took a trip this summer that was originally booked for 2020. I was in the UK for quite a few weeks and it was lovely getting to spend time with family. And of course, I did an insane amount of sightseeing. On one of my adventures, I took myself to Chester. 2000 plus years ago it was a walled Roman town. But the Romans left by 400 AD because they couldn’t get a decent espresso and they were too impatient to wait for Starbucks.
Me & Chester. I look perturbed. I had just walked the wall and my feet felt like they were 2,000 years old.
I’ve been to Chester numerous times over the years, starting as a kid visiting. I’ve always loved it because of the genuine Tudor buildings. So after I had a boat ride on the River Dee, and walked the wall, I decided to head to the old shopping area called The Cross and The Rows. This place seems to be struggling a bit, like so many cities everywhere. Thanks to the pandemic, a number of places have gone. But I was content to just saunter, and then I did some moseying, and for a while I sashayed but got some suspicious looks so I reverted to the reliable mosey.
The Cross & The Rows. Historic Tudor buildings where strange characters hang out.
As I strolled past some shops, I passed a man who smiled at me, so I did what I usually do, crazy as it sounds, I smiled back. When I retraced my steps, he was still there, but this time as I passed him he said to me “Are you living a beautiful life?” Now let me just say, even though I’m a bit sceptical of the whole “mystical otherworldly” thing, I like to keep my mind open to the possibility. And if some stranger has got a message for me from beyond, I figure the least I can do is listen. I have the same philosophy with aluminum window salesmen. Years ago a man stopped me on a street in Vancouver by first telling me that the pair of bright purple Wellies matched my eyes. Maybe that was a compliment or perhaps I had a case of pink eye I wasn’t aware of. Whatever. I said thank you. Then he proceeded to instruct me on the proper method of breathing. Actually putting his hand on my midriff area…suspicious? Creepy? All of the above. But I just decided to go with it. I felt like I was about to be on the receiving end of a vital piece of life-changing intel. And sure enough, after the laying on of hands he said that there were three rules to live by. YES! Here we go! The Universe is finally coughing up the secrets that will clarify the reason for existence! I am all ears! The man took a breath and began:
RULE #1- Walk Don’t Run. Alright, not what I’d call transformative. But it’ll save my knees. Thanks universe.
RULE #2- and I was getting excited because I figured we can only go up from number one…he pauses and then says…Eat Stewed Rhubarb! What? The Universe wants me to know this? Stewed rhubarb. Rhubarb…stewed. Okay, well, maybe rhubarb will expand my consciousness? I know for sure with all the sugar you have to throw in it’ll definitely expand my waistline, so I will need to do all that walking.
And there was a third, but honestly I can’t remember, it was about as illuminating as the first two. Maybe it was Always Flush The Toilet, or Tip Your Waiter.
A small part of a 7,000 seat amphitheatre that’s been excavated. More than 2,000 years old, which means the Romans went there to see the opening of CATS!
But this guy in Chester STARTED with the ‘beautiful life’ question. Right out of the gate it felt otherworldly-ish. Universe? Is that you? I’m listening! Here’s how it went:
Man: Are you having a beautiful life?
Me: Yes.
Man: You know it’s only going to get better.
Me: (Thinking this is good stuff Universe!) Thank you!
Man: You’re going to be rich too.
Me: Can you give me a timeframe? (I don’t like to be pushy with the Universe, but it doesn’t hurt to plan)
Man: Maybe Christmas.
Me: Thank you! I’ll let you know!
On the wall. Of course the original Roman construction has been built upon, but you get the idea.
I walked away from him genuinely feeling like I’d had contact from another dimension. I felt fantastic, tingly. The Universe, or something, was telling me everything is going to be OK. I know money is not the most important thing, but maybe the ‘Whoever/Whatever’ just wanted to take a little pressure off in these uncertain times. And let me just add, I’d do a whole lot of donating. I continued my stroll through this ancient city a little lighter, feeling like something/someone was watching over me. I felt special…magically special. And then there he is again…does he have more communications from beyond?…
Me: Well hello again.
Man: What is that, American?
Me: Canadian.
Man: You’re the second Canadian I’ve talked to today.
Me: Oh. Are they going to be rich too?
Man: Well, everyone’s going to be rich.
Me: But I’ve got the edge, right? (What’s this everyone thing?)
Man: Do you want to know what it’s about?
Me: Okay? (I don’t really need the Universe to draw me a map, but, whatever.)
Man: It’s called The Reset.
Me: The what? Never heard of it. (And why is the Universe naming things?)
Man: Well the President, not the one now, the one before…
Me: (Oh for the love of…!)
Man: He’s going to make everyone rich.
Me: Okay, well, if that’s where it’s coming from, then I’ll pass.
Man: No, it’s going to be beautiful.
Me: You and I have different definitions of beauty.
I walked away.
I was perturbed, with a capital TURBED! For a number of reasons. First because that magic bubble I was in for no more than a few minutes had been stripped from me, chopped up like strips of tripe, and then shoved into the garburator and liquified. I was mad at myself for getting sucked in to the ‘Universe is Communicating with ME’ thing again. I mean how does the Universe have time? There’s an awful lot going on, just on this planet, never mind the entire ball of Singularity wax. And why would I be so special? There are billions who need aid from the Universe a helluva lot more than me. So I did need to be slapped back to reality. I just wish it had been before I’d eaten truckloads of stewed rhubarb.
But I was also mad that this spray-on tan lunacy has spread so far and wide. I was mad at everything that made that possible. I was mad at the Internet. I was mad at Al Gore for, according to him, inventing the Internet. I was mad at SAND, which is used for making computer chips. And I was mad at sand just in general because it gets in every crack! And have we not had enough chain-letter experience by now to understand that when some hustler promises wealth for all, by ALL, they mean ME. And by ME, they mean them, definitely not you.
And then I was mad at myself again, because it hit me like the smell of a sun-baked PortaPotty that I really wasn’t so different from this guy. For a few minutes I was ready to buy in to the fantasy that some ‘all-powerful’ being was going to solve all of my problems by showering me with riches from out of the blue, without me lifting a finger. And that’s the Kool-Aid this guy was drinking too. The orange chain-letter troll was going to magically turn everyone who, I assume, hooks their wagon to his clown car parade, into fabulously wealthy clowns. POOF!
So, in the end, I was glad I’d had this encounter in this ancient city. It got my feet back down onto the ancient cobbled terra firma. No more fantastical thinking. If some kind of monetary enrichment appears, it’ll be because I worked hard and made it happen, not because I signed on to a pyramid scheme, or threw a coin into the fish pond, sorry fish, I know that’s verboten. So I will get to work. I will rely on me to make things happen. I will make my life beautiful…just as soon as I go buy this week’s lottery ticket. The jackpot is HUGE!
The beautiful River Dee. On days like this I’m sure the Romans loved this place. On the remaining 350 days of rain they probably wanted to run head on into a gladiator’s sword.