{"id":537,"date":"2023-05-28T18:04:18","date_gmt":"2023-05-29T01:04:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lindacullen.ca\/blog\/?p=537"},"modified":"2023-05-28T19:55:10","modified_gmt":"2023-05-29T02:55:10","slug":"warning-this-blog-is-completely-concerned-with-lady-parts-gentlemenlook-theres-a-hockey-game-on","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lindacullen.ca\/blog\/warning-this-blog-is-completely-concerned-with-lady-parts-gentlemenlook-theres-a-hockey-game-on\/","title":{"rendered":"WARNING: THIS BLOG IS COMPLETELY CONCERNED WITH LADY PARTS\u2026 Gentlemen\u2026 LOOK, there\u2019s a hockey game on!"},"content":{"rendered":"

So, the other day I was just sitting here, minding my own beeswax, staring at the computer trying to get a blog started when something terrible happened\u2026 oh, and I should probably give you a brief description of what me trying to get a blog started looks like:\u00a0 I sit down at the computer, turn it on, realize I probably should go make some coffee and find a snack, because I like to have my reward while I\u2019m actually doing my work,\u00a0 then I look in a desk drawer and see that my paperclip stash needs organizing, so I deal with that, then with all that concentration colour-coding those clips, I feel incredibly nappish, so I find a comfy spot for an inspiring 30 minutes of shut-eye. \u00a090 minutes later, when I wake up, I plunk myself in front of the computer and I\u2019m ready to face the blank screen and HERE WE GO!\u00a0 Come on baby. Words!<\/p>\n

\"Linda<\/a>

Me preparing to write<\/p><\/div>\n

But the whiteness of the page makes me think there\u2019s no time like the present to get some laundry done, I mean you can\u2019t let that stuff slide because, well I\u2019m not sure why it may have something to do with national security, anyway while I\u2019m sorting unmentionables, I remember I haven\u2019t exfoliated since who knows when, so definitely have to do that.\u00a0 I always feel I can think better once I\u2019ve scraped off the last six months of skin from my face.\u00a0 And then<\/em> with complexion glowing, I sit back down at the computer, finally ready to accept the muse and\u2026hold that thought, I should check Facebook in case somebody I don\u2019t know has recently eaten an excellent carrot so I enter the Bottomless Scrolling Hole and that\u2019s when the blindsiding assault occurred Your Honour.<\/p>\n

As I\u2019m creeping through friends\u2019 pages for provocative produce pics, out of nowhere I see the words Vaginal Flatulence! Wait the\u2026 what the\u2026 how the\u2026 ??? \u00a0Listen, I like to think of myself as being fairly well informed, but this I have never caught \u2018wind\u2019 of.\u00a0 I watch CBC News Network a lot<\/em> and at not once have I seen Breaking News coverage of a rampant Vaginal Flatulence outbreak anywhere!<\/p>\n

Of course, I\u2019m familiar with the vagina, having been connected to one my entire life, and I\u2019m also familiar with flatulence, although as far as you and the rest of the world is concerned, I have never actually passed any gaseous vapors. \u00a0I know<\/em>! It\u2019s a biological miracle!\u00a0 But at no time have I ever seen these two words that, quite frankly, should never be joined together, joined together.\u00a0 So, I\u2019m sure it will come as no surprise to you when I say that my first thought after seeing this and regaining consciousness was What Fresh Hell is THIS??!!<\/p>\n

You might think that\u2019s a little dramatic, but let me just give you some personal historical context.\u00a0 There\u2019s no question that, just like the lady sings in The Flower Drum Song, I Enjoy Being a Girl\u2026mostly. \u00a0Because if I\u2019m honest, any of the paraphernalia connected to my very own vagina has been a giant pain in my entire lower lady region\u2026 literally.\u00a0 I\u2019m one of those women who had severe, horrible, excruciating, abdomen searing, Why Me cramps.\u00a0 I have never given birth, and I\u2019m not saying the cramps ever reached baby extracting intensity, but I\u2019m pretty sure that some days it came close.\u00a0 The best way I could describe it back then was \u2018I think my ovaries are trying to exit my body through my feet!\u2019<\/p>\n

\"cat<\/a>

A cute cat photo just because.<\/p><\/div>\n

And it was like that for years until a medical saviour invented a drug that, most days, eliminated the pain.\u00a0 Why this individual hasn\u2019t been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize is beyond me.\u00a0 When I was doubled over in agony for three, four, sometimes five days, if anybody even looked at me, I\u2019d want to rip their throats out, if I could actually move.\u00a0 Think of the throats that have not<\/em> been ripped out because of those little miracle pills.\u00a0 So, until they came along, as far as I was concerned the whole reproductive rigamarole was BS and since menopause, I can say I\u2019m really glad that I haven\u2019t had to think much about that area\u2026until Facebook felt I needed to know about Vaginal Flatulence!<\/p>\n

So I Googled once and scanned the info quickly, but I think I was still traumatized and not all of it sank in, and I don\u2019t want to keep searching because then those algorithm geniuses will start showing me thousands of ads for the Bowflex Vaginal Flatulence Crusher!… or Tums Tunnel of Love Toot-Tamer!\u00a0 Anyway, from my brief moment of research it seems there can be several causes, which I won\u2019t go into here, you can take your own chances with Google and Bowflex, but of course one is menopause, or let\u2019s just say it, aging.\u00a0 What a wrinkled pi\u00f1ata full of surprises that can be.<\/p>\n

Obviously, everything on the outside of my body is starting to slide to the ground.\u00a0 But everything on the inside<\/em> is collapsing too.\u00a0 It\u2019s like I\u2019m becoming my own personal sinkhole!\u00a0 And I figure this has to be a big culprit.\u00a0 By the way, it\u2019s also called Queefing, which is sort of cute? \u00a0So dainty, so almost royal sounding. \u00a0And maybe I have this already, I don\u2019t know.\u00a0 Sometimes I\u2019ll sit down, and I hear a sound, but I think it\u2019s just someone talking to me and I have to be honest, it\u2019s nice to have a bit of company.<\/p>\n

But here’s the one thing we have to make sure of; Boys must never find out about this, because then they\u2019ll all want vaginas.\u00a0 Can you imagine men having MULTIPLE orifices to fart out of?\u00a0 Picture a world where you\u2019re all cozy in bed, floating through dreamland and he decides to fire off a Double Dutch Oven!!\u00a0 This is not a world I want to live in. And I guarantee I am 100% committed to taking to the ramparts right now to prevent that from happeni\u2026 oh wait a second\u2026 look at my SKIN!\u00a0 I need to exfoliate again!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

So, the other day I was just sitting here, minding my own beeswax, staring at the computer trying to get a blog started when something terrible happened\u2026 oh, and I should probably give you a brief description of what me trying to get a blog started looks like:\u00a0 I sit down at the computer, turn […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-537","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-uncategorized","7":"entry","8":"has-post-thumbnail"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lindacullen.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/537","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lindacullen.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lindacullen.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lindacullen.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lindacullen.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=537"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/lindacullen.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/537\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":544,"href":"https:\/\/lindacullen.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/537\/revisions\/544"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lindacullen.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=537"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lindacullen.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=537"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lindacullen.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=537"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}