{"id":529,"date":"2023-02-14T17:22:38","date_gmt":"2023-02-15T01:22:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lindacullen.ca\/blog\/?p=529"},"modified":"2023-02-14T17:22:38","modified_gmt":"2023-02-15T01:22:38","slug":"produce-and-the-perfect-man","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lindacullen.ca\/blog\/produce-and-the-perfect-man\/","title":{"rendered":"Produce and the Perfect Man"},"content":{"rendered":"

I\u2019ve been thinking about men lately.\u00a0 Not any man in particular, although I won\u2019t lie, Colin Firth is never far from my mind. \u00a0Even though he recently played the creepy guy in The Staircase, I think I could overcome that if I bumped into him in No Frills grabbing for the same zucchini.\u00a0 No, I have been thinking about the \u2018idea\u2019 of men, or A<\/em> man lately, as in, do I want to explore the idea of adding a man to my life.\u00a0 Here\u2019s the dealio; on March 19th<\/sup> it will be six years since my husband Bob crossed over the Rainbow Bridge.\u00a0 I know the Rainbow Bridge is for pets, but he loved our cats and I kind of like the idea that he\u2019d be hanging out with them.\u00a0 Although if there actually is some Great Beyond theme park that goes on for infinity and offers whatever the dearly departed loves, then I know exactly where he is\u2026the cosmic bar that carries every known single malt scotch ever distilled.<\/p>\n

\"Bob

Bob in Heaven<\/p><\/div>\n

So, it\u2019s taken me an awfully long time to get to the point where I think I might be even slightly interested in dipping my toe into the murky, pest-infested waters of the dating pool.\u00a0 And when I say, dip my toe, I mean my toe will barely feel the water, it might even just be my toenail that skims the surface, but then my toenail would need clipping because if it hits the water first, it\u2019s too long, I have a thing about toenails, I\u2019m getting turned off this whole idea just talking about toenails, why are we talking about toenails, who brought up toenails, for God\u2019s sake stop talking about toenails!\u00a0 This was a bad idea, forget I ever mentioned anything about men!<\/p>\n

You see?\u00a0 I can freak myself out so easily because doing this now, after spending 30 years with someone is a lot different than back when I was, say, 19 and had just burst out of my cocoon.\u00a0 All the parts were shiny and new and nothing needed greasing or priming or re-wiring.\u00a0 It was all so fresh and thrilling, like the best ride at the fair.\u00a0 I\u2019m 64 now and I can tell you that the Tunnel of Love ride has a sign over the entrance that says Closed for Winter.\u00a0 And not a regular winter, more like a Game of Thrones winter.\u00a0 I think to get it open again and in good working order I\u2019m gonna need a Ferrari Grand Prix pit crew.<\/p>\n

The thing is, I thought that if I was ever going to meet someone new, I wanted it to happen organically.\u00a0 That\u2019s right, I would like the man to be grass fed, raised without anti-biotics and have access to an outside pasture.\u00a0 But obviously many years have passed and nothing organic has materialized.\u00a0 And I\u2019m so reluctant to get back on the proverbial dating horse because I feel it will be filled with mortifying awkwardness and embarrassment.\u00a0 I worry it could be a lot like this:<\/p>\n

Last year I was babysitting the stupidly adorable grand-puppy Roxie and we were at the little dog park not far from me.\u00a0 There was a man there who had a newly rescued dog who was quite timid, but she was awfully sweet, and she and Roxie started to race around playing dog games.\u00a0 As I was standing talking to him, I thought to myself, gosh, if I keep looking at you, I think I might become attracted.\u00a0 A few minutes later I was throwing the ball for Roxie, which means that after the second throw, I\u2019m the one who fetches the ball because she\u2019s already found an attractive new butt to sniff.\u00a0 So I went to pick up the ball by a tree, and wound up to throw it again and it\u2019s possible I may have been trying to impress my new dog friend with my fantastic form and power, which means I might have swung a little too hard and tilted off balance a bit so that when I moved my left foot to try to steady myself, it was jammed up against a big root of the tree and that was it, I was going down.\u00a0 It happened so fast all I had time to think was \u2018Thanks for everything hips, it\u2019s been good to know ya.\u2019\u00a0 And then I landed hard on my left butt cheek.\u00a0 I mean I landed so hard that for the first time in my life, it knocked a little bit of pee out of me!\u00a0 After a few seconds I could hear some commotion from the other group of people, I weakly yelled \u2018I\u2019m okay, I\u2019m okay\u2019 but I just couldn\u2019t move. \u00a0When I finally opened my eyes and looked up, standing there with his hand outstretched was the kind man that I found attractive. \u00a0Now I\u2019m thinking I could really REALLY like you! \u00a0But I\u2019ve peed my PANTS, so I just wanted to hightail it out of there as fast as I could harness the stupidly adorable dog and get my massively bruised butt up and moving!\u00a0 I also worried that he might think he was just helping a doddering old lady who had fallen and couldn\u2019t get up! \u00a0It is possible he was way too young for me but I figured if Tina Turner could do it\u2026however, Tina Turner may not have peed her pants when she first met her current handsome much younger husband\u2026and let\u2019s face it, I\u2019m no Tina Turner.\u00a0 So, I thanked the helpful man, and then I hobbled home with Roxie, changed my underwear, and never saw him again.\u00a0 And that\u2019s what I sense dating might be for me; insecurity and fear, punctuated by embarrassing pratfalls and uncontrollable urine.<\/p>\n

\"Little

The aforementioned stupidly adorable dog<\/p><\/div>\n

Here\u2019s the other issue that I\u2019ve been chewing over for a while now- What kind of man am I looking for?\u00a0 I never thought of that before because I didn\u2019t have to.\u00a0 I was much younger when Bob appeared and lucky for me he was the exact type I was looking for.\u00a0 But now, more than 35 years later, I feel maybe I should figure out what\u2019s important to me.\u00a0 So, let\u2019s start with the obvious\u2026<\/p>\n

MUST BE FUNNY! This might be a deal breaker.\u00a0 My now departed husband was a spectacularly funny human.\u00a0 There were times I was in awe of how fast and clever and hilarious his brain was.\u00a0 But from my experience, there doesn\u2019t seem to be a huge supply of this type of specimen.<\/p>\n

Pleasing to look at.\u00a0 You might say, \u2018Well that\u2019s shallow!\u2019\u00a0 Maybe, but unfortunately, my shallowness runs deep.\u00a0 Look, I\u2019m not a supermodel\u2026I\u2019m not even an aging<\/em> supermodel\u2026but remember, I was <\/em>called Hot Grandma by a young drunk in Manchester last summer, so that must count for something.<\/p>\n

And I think it goes without saying, that he must be kind, and loves to listen to long rambling stories with no discernable point, because, as my friends will claim, that\u2019s the only kind of story I tell.<\/p>\n

But I have recently realized, that due to my age, this man needs to be a combination of many other things. For example, he should be, or have been a doctor, preferably a GP, so if I have a heart attack he can start CPR, but I\u2019d like him to also have a side hustle of plastic surgery, I mean, I wouldn\u2019t turn down a little nip and tuck here or there, but also he definitely needs to be a psychiatrist, because, you know, he\u2019s got to live with me, plus maybe have all the trades including mechanic for obvious reasons and finally he should be gay but confused, so there\u2019s not too much pressure on my Tunnel of Love.<\/p>\n

There we go!\u00a0 There\u2019s my perfect match. I am apparently looking for Super ComboMan! \u00a0Shouldn\u2019t be a problem.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure Bumble has that one perfect guy who\u2019s funny, attractive, kind, a GP, plastic surgeon, psychiatrist, plumber, electrician, mechanic and gay.\u00a0 I think I have a better chance of finding Colin Firth in the produce section squeezing cantelopes.<\/p>\n

\"Colin

I wonder if he knows about plumbing?<\/p><\/div>\n

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Photo credit:<\/em>
\nColin Firth by Gage Skidmore<\/a>, CC BY-SA 3.0<\/a>, via Wikimedia Commons<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019ve been thinking about men lately.\u00a0 Not any man in particular, although I won\u2019t lie, Colin Firth is never far from my mind. \u00a0Even though he recently played the creepy guy in The Staircase, I think I could overcome that if I bumped into him in No Frills grabbing for the same zucchini.\u00a0 No, I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-529","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-uncategorized","7":"entry","8":"has-post-thumbnail"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lindacullen.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/529","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lindacullen.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lindacullen.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lindacullen.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lindacullen.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=529"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/lindacullen.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/529\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":533,"href":"https:\/\/lindacullen.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/529\/revisions\/533"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lindacullen.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=529"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lindacullen.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=529"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lindacullen.ca\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=529"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}